rock your cock off? don't you want that? ...?

see all of the ads for Rok night club in Vegas at Advertising is Good For You. i particularly like the post's headline: "Thirteen-year-old boys aren't allowed in Vegas night clubs, but it seems they are allowed to create ad campaigns for them." i know these came out a few weeks back, but seeing them again made me really want to comment on how much they irritate me.

and no, i'm not irritated because it appeals to thirteen year old boys (cos really, who isn't a 13 year old boy at heart in those situations?), but because the actual execution is lame. at one point, this was a darling of an idea. a little baby bundle of a concept i'm sure was cooed over and loved until it hit the teenage phase and then it got sent for an "attitude adjustment."

YOU DO NOT ROCK YOUR COCK OFF.
YOU ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT.

YOU DO NOT ROCK YOUR FUNBAGS OFF.
YOU ROCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.

and who the hell says "funbags" anymore anyway? who wrote these lines? for real? and when was the last time they said any sentence involving with word "rock" and "off"? not to mention, especially in Vegas... don't you rather want those body parts? the only VAGUELY acceptable one is "rock your ass off." i can see that. maybe. if i squint. otherwise, copywriting FAIL, hook line and sinker.

july about how good your copy is?

okay. i can't believe i forgot to mention this. seeing as when i saw it, i called my mother up immediately to scream. nevermind that i was on an agency shoot. nevermind that it was almost lunchtime. all that mattered was the absolutely inane drivel i'd just seen.

as copyranter has honourably pointed out many, many times (and more), Kenny Cole should be prohibited from writing any more advertisements. ever. the puns are often confusing. and downright crappy. at first, i couldn't blame the guy his ego. at first, i kind of forgave Kenny.

after all, even though they were crappy, they had some (pseudo) attempt at relevance. awearness = awareness. potential carriers = bags/AIDS. etc. i get it. it's shitty, but i get it. marrying two concepts, commercialism and activism? not the first or the last time. but on this past Friday i saw the biggest Kenny Cole atrocity ever while wandering around the upper west end of Colombus Ave:

JULY ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT?

and a whole bunch of other really terrible things you may "ly" about (in July?). i assume it correlated to some month-long sale. i don't care. this particular advertisement crossed a line for me in Kenny Cole land. i can forgive shitty if it's uplifting. sure, raise AIDS awareness. sure, "make the most of grey summer days" with new grey styles. sure, acknowledge that we all walk in "different shoes" and then buy some.

but the derogatory nature (as if i should be surprised) aimed mainly at women (again, should i be surprised) combined with bastardizing punning (as usual) makes this the worst thing he's rolled out with yet. i'm ashamed for him. this gets a big ride on the failboat, hook line and sinker.

weekend observations: tsc, quiznos, facebook.

things i deduced this weekend:

:. TSC advertisers are morons. or perhaps just truthful.

...is that supposed to be an arrow? because its squished nature is more like a something reminiscent of calculus. sorry, but as an insurance company, do you want to advertise as "TSC less than direct"? the things i ponder on the local train... [hook, line, and sinker, tsc]
:. Quiznos is too poor for another 'm.'

...case in point: Beef Brisket. m m m m m. that's five m's, guys. update the ads or make the voiceover guy say one m less. otherwise, it's just weird. [hook, line, and sinker...]

:. things are funnier through 3rd parties.

...what's funnier than writing "i'll stop by at 2:43 am" on your friend's Facebook wall? finding a bumper sticker that says it for you! there's something about the omnipotent third party that enhances humour. it's funny if you and i think it's funny. it's ridiculously funny if someone we don't know agrees so wholeheartedly as to save us from saying it ourselves.

hook, line: pioneering creativology

made it to cannes and can't write for shit.

in case you were wondering... this even fails as a critique of advertising buzzwords. this can't even survive as satire. not that i would think satire is in line with microsoft's brand image. oh man. click for bigger view. pioneering creativology. yeah, okay, if by creativology you mean verbal diarrhea. and post script. that twitter page causes migraines. for real. sledgehammer. i get it.

another side note to make you laugh:
things younger than mccain dot com. oh yeah, they went there. score.

hook, line: an open letter to Burpee etc.

dear Burpee:

i seem to have a problem. i bought a package of your seeds the other day from my local supermarket. seeds seemed simple enough to me, and i know you're a well-known, reputable name, so i don't impugn your seeds at all--i just seem to be having trouble.

i took them home and placed them on the window sill. should i not have done that? i thought plants needed light, but i could be wrong. i know it says that your seeds grow but i've seen minimal results.

i'm really disappointed in your product. i don't know that i will be purchasing again.

cordially, miss Riot.

----

"seeds that grow"?! wtf? as opposed to seed that don't? auto-growing seeds?
picture courtesy of my brother, who shot and pic messaged it to me last night.

Riot's blogects. [blog...projects? ...rite.]

i have decided to do a number of stints on my blog:

Hook, Line...:
wherein i find really crappy punctuation and grammar usage. i will write a friendly service announcement regarding why, exactly, the grammar and/or punctuation deserves a ride on the copy failboat. occasionally supplemented by excellent copy.
>> previous: Share Our Strength.

Lovefool:
posts about how much i love your brand. why i love your brand. and how much i'm willing to talk about how much i love your brand.
>> previous: brands i love.

Moot Court:
where i bring a brand, campaign, or ad to justice based on how much they lie about who they are, what they do for you, or what exactly they're selling. it's about representation, baby.
>> previous: Target, Dove.

Yeas & Nays:
so much to read. especially on mondays. this will be my "yeas" and "nays" to news in the ad and blog worlds... and how!
>> previous: none. next post!

will be the editions. keep your eyes peeled.
all "previous" examples will not necessarily be the form each of these take in the future. since gender-centric posts and youth-injection posts make up the brunt up what i have to say anyway, these projects will be inter dispersed.

suggestions welcome.

hook, line: oh no! make it stop! (pls! x_x)

not that i expected any better.

i'm taking flower donations to rest on the grave of the american english language. i know i'm supposed to shift with all this, but it makes me twitch to look at.

hook, line: no woman (kid?) no cry.

dear Share Our Strength,

i was having a nice lunch yesterday at a local restaurant; there was a frame on the table sporting an ad stating that if i bought dessert, 10% of that purchase would go towards feeding hungry children. that was a thought i generally like--children not starving? sign me up. i think 10% on desserts only is a bit shallow, but okay. the restaurant is corporate, i get it. the hang up?

who. wrote. your. copy.

your logo. no really, who did it. and who approved it. and who proofread it. and who, bove all, said, 'oh my, yes, that is a brilliant idea.' NO KID HUNGRY? are you for serious right now? and if that's a pun, i'm clearly too stupid to get it, at which point, it should still be changed, because i get other stupid advertisements (haha, venus, get it?).

i can't decide if this is as bad as (masculine) floralcy.
i think it might be worse, only because i can adapt 'floralcy' into my vocabulary and giggle each time i say it. 'no kid hungry' -simply- doesn't flow.

what the hell, Pontiac. what the hell.

alright.

the lovely folks over at Make the Logo Bigger pointed out what some of you may have already heard on the msm news blogs... Pontiac's got a new "sports truck" (a truck with a sports car-esque front end) but they don't have a name. they want YOU to name it. SAH-WEET, right?

WRONG. effin morons.

i moseyed on over with dreams of naming car-trucks all in my head, pondering just what one word might capture the... pure splendor and luxury (heh) of the "sports truck." i'm all set to apply when i do that thing people don't tend to do--before i CLICKED "yes i read the rules" i actually... read the rules. guess what they said?

"Selection/Determination of winner will NOT be based on Vehicle Name submitted."

it's a drawing at random. with absolutely no regard to naming or creativity or, well, wait... what was it... anything to do with the actual advertising campaign.

how cohesive of you.

i even like postmodernism and this kind of disassociation FAILS. wtf, Pontiac?