rock your cock off? don't you want that? ...?

see all of the ads for Rok night club in Vegas at Advertising is Good For You. i particularly like the post's headline: "Thirteen-year-old boys aren't allowed in Vegas night clubs, but it seems they are allowed to create ad campaigns for them." i know these came out a few weeks back, but seeing them again made me really want to comment on how much they irritate me.

and no, i'm not irritated because it appeals to thirteen year old boys (cos really, who isn't a 13 year old boy at heart in those situations?), but because the actual execution is lame. at one point, this was a darling of an idea. a little baby bundle of a concept i'm sure was cooed over and loved until it hit the teenage phase and then it got sent for an "attitude adjustment."

YOU DO NOT ROCK YOUR COCK OFF.
YOU ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT.

YOU DO NOT ROCK YOUR FUNBAGS OFF.
YOU ROCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.

and who the hell says "funbags" anymore anyway? who wrote these lines? for real? and when was the last time they said any sentence involving with word "rock" and "off"? not to mention, especially in Vegas... don't you rather want those body parts? the only VAGUELY acceptable one is "rock your ass off." i can see that. maybe. if i squint. otherwise, copywriting FAIL, hook line and sinker.

facebook is threatening me

IT WILL SOON BE. THE ONLY. FACEBOOK.
you will submit. you will use The New Layout. you will not Protest. all Complaints will be Futile. Press 3 to Assimilate Now.

facebook, srsly. wtf are you thinking?

never mind that i bloody HATE the new facebook to the assured point that if you make me convert to the new layout, i will use it less, and i'm sure i'm not alone in that. hullo. you don't pay us. we bring value to you by even being there. why alienate? regardless. this is beside the point. it's also simply tactically stupid.

if you want to make the new facebook layout the One True Facebook [cue "there can only be oooooone!"], why did you allow for this random period where users could opt-in and select to use the new Facebook or not? ok, maybe as a beta test it works, but then CALL IT A BETA TEST. not being up front about it not only makes users cranky, but leads us to believe that we do not HAVE to switch.

even when faced with the idea that we would have to surrender Ye Olde Facebooke, users petitioned and created groups to let Facebook know that we are not into the new layout. 691,269 members are actively against the new layout. but not only that, we gave shitloads of feedback about how to improve new Facebook to be equally useful so we wouldn't mind the switch. i haven't seen one thing really change. not one. this makes users who actively participate in creatively critical, useful ways feel inadequate and undervalued.

in this 20 minute extraordinarily long defense, Facebook says they're listening. i'm just not sure i buy it.
so what i mean to say is, the actual way it occurred gives a poor impression.

clearly, Facebook can operate with both layouts at once. why not keep this? if the new Fbook is SO wonderful, then naturally users will gravitate to it. i'm not saying to get RID of the new fbook; some people like it, that's cool. but why force users who aren't so keen? users could keep the layout they prefer. moreover, since the new Fbook resembles other sites (like FriendFeed, for example) than its own unique entity, it may also lead to further creativity--different skins would be fun.

in short, i'm not taking this threat lightly. and that's just what it feels like.
you aren't helping me connect--unless by that you mean, helping me connect forehead to monitor.

july about how good your copy is?

okay. i can't believe i forgot to mention this. seeing as when i saw it, i called my mother up immediately to scream. nevermind that i was on an agency shoot. nevermind that it was almost lunchtime. all that mattered was the absolutely inane drivel i'd just seen.

as copyranter has honourably pointed out many, many times (and more), Kenny Cole should be prohibited from writing any more advertisements. ever. the puns are often confusing. and downright crappy. at first, i couldn't blame the guy his ego. at first, i kind of forgave Kenny.

after all, even though they were crappy, they had some (pseudo) attempt at relevance. awearness = awareness. potential carriers = bags/AIDS. etc. i get it. it's shitty, but i get it. marrying two concepts, commercialism and activism? not the first or the last time. but on this past Friday i saw the biggest Kenny Cole atrocity ever while wandering around the upper west end of Colombus Ave:

JULY ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT?

and a whole bunch of other really terrible things you may "ly" about (in July?). i assume it correlated to some month-long sale. i don't care. this particular advertisement crossed a line for me in Kenny Cole land. i can forgive shitty if it's uplifting. sure, raise AIDS awareness. sure, "make the most of grey summer days" with new grey styles. sure, acknowledge that we all walk in "different shoes" and then buy some.

but the derogatory nature (as if i should be surprised) aimed mainly at women (again, should i be surprised) combined with bastardizing punning (as usual) makes this the worst thing he's rolled out with yet. i'm ashamed for him. this gets a big ride on the failboat, hook line and sinker.

walmart's new transparency: hiding more from you.

well, that's just so special. right on the tail of the TSC Is Less Than Direct logo, and the problematic Missing M mantra of Quiznos, comes the 'refreshing' logo of Walmart (note, it's now one word; we're taking the human element out, he is dead after all...).

people. srsly. learn your symbols.
just like ">" can be read as "less than," the "*," or asterisk, often denotes fine print. and i'm sure we all know the incredible amount of fine print that Wal-Mart (oh, i'm sorry, Walmart) can accrue. just as perhaps the "less than direct" was inadvertent honesty, so possibly is the asterisk. i can't think of a better symbol to embody all the cover-ups and discontinuity of the worldwide empire.

WALMART*
* unlivable wages
* shitty benefits packages
* destruction of open space
* non-environmental interests
* monopolistic regime
* culture death
* lack of sustainability
* faux-interest in change

...i could go on. but i'll let you. so, in short, i think the new facelift is entirely appropriate. it symbolizes everything Wal-Mart has become: a faceless, humanless entity only interested in giving the illusion of change while hiding as much fine print as possible. yeah, sounds about right, logo designers.

weekend observations: tsc, quiznos, facebook.

things i deduced this weekend:

:. TSC advertisers are morons. or perhaps just truthful.

...is that supposed to be an arrow? because its squished nature is more like a something reminiscent of calculus. sorry, but as an insurance company, do you want to advertise as "TSC less than direct"? the things i ponder on the local train... [hook, line, and sinker, tsc]
:. Quiznos is too poor for another 'm.'

...case in point: Beef Brisket. m m m m m. that's five m's, guys. update the ads or make the voiceover guy say one m less. otherwise, it's just weird. [hook, line, and sinker...]

:. things are funnier through 3rd parties.

...what's funnier than writing "i'll stop by at 2:43 am" on your friend's Facebook wall? finding a bumper sticker that says it for you! there's something about the omnipotent third party that enhances humour. it's funny if you and i think it's funny. it's ridiculously funny if someone we don't know agrees so wholeheartedly as to save us from saying it ourselves.

hook, line: pioneering creativology

made it to cannes and can't write for shit.

in case you were wondering... this even fails as a critique of advertising buzzwords. this can't even survive as satire. not that i would think satire is in line with microsoft's brand image. oh man. click for bigger view. pioneering creativology. yeah, okay, if by creativology you mean verbal diarrhea. and post script. that twitter page causes migraines. for real. sledgehammer. i get it.

another side note to make you laugh:
things younger than mccain dot com. oh yeah, they went there. score.

hook, line: an open letter to Burpee etc.

dear Burpee:

i seem to have a problem. i bought a package of your seeds the other day from my local supermarket. seeds seemed simple enough to me, and i know you're a well-known, reputable name, so i don't impugn your seeds at all--i just seem to be having trouble.

i took them home and placed them on the window sill. should i not have done that? i thought plants needed light, but i could be wrong. i know it says that your seeds grow but i've seen minimal results.

i'm really disappointed in your product. i don't know that i will be purchasing again.

cordially, miss Riot.

----

"seeds that grow"?! wtf? as opposed to seed that don't? auto-growing seeds?
picture courtesy of my brother, who shot and pic messaged it to me last night.

hook, line: oh no! make it stop! (pls! x_x)

not that i expected any better.

i'm taking flower donations to rest on the grave of the american english language. i know i'm supposed to shift with all this, but it makes me twitch to look at.

hook, line: no woman (kid?) no cry.

dear Share Our Strength,

i was having a nice lunch yesterday at a local restaurant; there was a frame on the table sporting an ad stating that if i bought dessert, 10% of that purchase would go towards feeding hungry children. that was a thought i generally like--children not starving? sign me up. i think 10% on desserts only is a bit shallow, but okay. the restaurant is corporate, i get it. the hang up?

who. wrote. your. copy.

your logo. no really, who did it. and who approved it. and who proofread it. and who, bove all, said, 'oh my, yes, that is a brilliant idea.' NO KID HUNGRY? are you for serious right now? and if that's a pun, i'm clearly too stupid to get it, at which point, it should still be changed, because i get other stupid advertisements (haha, venus, get it?).

i can't decide if this is as bad as (masculine) floralcy.
i think it might be worse, only because i can adapt 'floralcy' into my vocabulary and giggle each time i say it. 'no kid hungry' -simply- doesn't flow.